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Ok so Dane Cook is one of my favourite comedian (Thank you Leah! Thank you angel in jeans!) so I decided to share some of his quotes with the world!
"I'm in my living room putting my pants on going 'What Lagoon are you in?'"
"We love car accidents in this country, we are obsessed with car accidents! I know you're like me, right, it's like 2:00 in the morning, it's dead quiet, you're in bed watching T.V., it's all quiet. Then all of a sudden outside at the corner you here *screech!!* "DAMMIT! SHIT! That sounded like it was going to hit! You always want it to hit! *screech* "COME ON! NOTHING!" and Then when you finally here the crash you're siked, its like *scree..bang!* "where are my shoes, YES, where are my shoooes? Have you seen my shoes? Fuck it, I'm going out with out shoes...I'm going out "shoeless". Right, you come out of your house, all your neighboors are coming out, right. You're waiving at each other, your siked to see eachother. You're like "come on. Wanna go together? Come on, let's go...you, me and you, no no, you wait for the next group. Come on! We'll go as a team, NO you wait for the next group." ...and then you get out there, it's no big deal, but everyone stands out there for two extra hours. It's over, no one is hurt or anything, but everyone has to stay out there! Even it's hot everyone has to act like they're cold and shit" ..*deep breathing* "Hey, what's up? Just had to see whats going on. *heavy breathing* ... and it doesn't matter who you start talking to, I gaurentee everyone is having the exact conversation. No matter who you get into it with, all anybody is saying like back and forth is... " Yea, yea, well no, I was in my kitchen and I heard it, so I came out. You were in living room? I was in my kitchen cleaning a dish. I heard it, I came out! What, you were in your basement, he was in his living ro..I was in my kitchen cleaning a dish, I was really cleaning and I heard it so I came out. What,shoes? NO NO! FUCK SHOES! HEHE SHOES! AHAHA, Listen to this guy with shoes, HAHAHA YOU! Shoes over here. And everybody always wants to be apart of the police, you know what I mean? We want to be involved, you know, we want to talk to the cops when they come near you know... "Officer, uh, I'm sorry, I just want you to know, if it helps in your investigation, I was in my kitchen and I heard it so I came out. I will testify in court, I was cleaning a dish. I will bring the dish as exhibit A. And this guy, he was in his basement, tell him what you told me! Tell him what you told me! That's not what he told me, he's lieing, that's not what you told me!"
"i'm not the only person here, i know your like me when you see someone walking down the street with a super man t-shirt you just wanna shoot them in the chest... and when they start to bleed go "i guess not"...
don't wear the shirt, wear a shirt that says "i bleed if you shoot me in the chest plate" and i will not shoot you in the chest plate... super bleeder haha i called him super bleeder"
"We all want to leave behind a legacy. We all want to be remembered for something. And I was thinking about it going 'How can I be remembered?' And then I suddenly realized: You can do it on a daily basis. Even if it's one on one with people. For example, the other day, I saw a young boy and he was eating an ice cream cone... I ran up, I smashed it into his face. I leaned in and I go 'You remember me forever!' And I ran away. Cause you know, when he's fifty, one day he's going to say, 'You know, one day a man ran into me. I did not know this man. He smashed my treat into my eye! And he pointed and said "You *bleep* remember me forever!"' But I did not say '*bleep*.' I did not say that. ..."
"helloooo
i'm a car
gasoline makes me run
back seat
trunk space
hello
lets go for a ride
oil is my blood
seatbelts
radio knobs."
"omg this reminds me of this dream i had... i was being chased by this giant crab!... its not funny!!! this huge 50 foot crab he was chasing me down the beach where he was doing that crab run slislislislislislislsi pussssh and he was snapping at me with his little snappers! all night long he was trucking he was like doing a 100 mph! and u know how when ur being chased by a killer a beast and in the dream they can run as fast as they want but u cant ahhhh c'mon ruuuuuun!!!!! I CANT MOOOOVE! and lightning was shooting out of his eyes!!! and he was wearing little loafers or something... i dont know... and then i woke up for a second and then right back into the dream! which only happens with a nightmare! and u know how u wake up and u try to pretend ur not awake but u know and u try to trick urself...IM NOT AWAKE!!! im in canoon with cindy!!! noooo.... and i fell back into the dream and the crab was like waiting for me and he was like SCPISHHH SCPISHHH! and i was like NOOOT AGAIN!!!! all night long and then i called my butty mike and i had to tell somebody, and he picks up the phone and im like dude.... i had the weirdest dream last night and he goes all concerned... what was ur dream!?! and i go i was being chased by a giant crab... WHAT!?!?!?! DUDE WHAT!?! and all of a second hes like h/o and i hear like pages ft ft ft ft ft ft ft ok i go dude what r u doing, and he does i have a dream book... im looking up crabs to c what the represent! in my dream book! right so all of a sudden he goes crab hold on crab!!! ju ju ju ju crab ju juju juj dream ju juj juj crab.... dude... ur gay..... and thats y u were running away!!! u were running away from ur gayness!!! and i said what about the lightning!?! he said it emphesises the gay!!! if theres lightning around the crab ur super gay!!!!! thats what it says right here super gay... he wasnt wearing loafers was he??? OH NO!!! cus that would mean ur mega ultra gay! like super hero gay"
"Speak and spell.. Speak like the DEVIL. I spelled great but I talked like a freak!"
"Slip and bleed from the ANUS"
Have fun ;)
Until Next Time
LiL Crawfey - Michael Buble Lover
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